"I'm LETTING GO... Falling into you."

September 3, 2015:

A Thursday. Much worse than usual. I remember. It was one of those days that left you miserable, and you aren't even sure why. It was six o'clock in the evening, and I find myself in my car racing from college back to a district church service near my home. I was hysterically crying. At this point, I was eight months into my battle with loneliness. I was given occasional glimmers of hope, but nothing permanent. I was searching, longing for a change. I needed it desperately. I no longer had my joy, my free spirit, my confidence. I was becoming a shell of the person I once was, and I hated myself for becoming that. I was listening to "Letting Go" by Steffany Gretzinger and was overwhelmed with emotion, especially on the line that says, "You remind me of things forgotten." I had forgotten what genuine happiness felt like or how it felt to not carry that burden with me everywhere I went. It's a beautiful song; one of my favorites. As I was driving to church, I remember praying, "Lord, I need to see a light at the end of this tunnel. If you don't show me hope, I'm not going to find it." That's where I was at. At that point, I saw no way out. No visible sign of hope. I had been tormented for eight months now, and strangely, it's almost like I had forgotten life without that pain. I was almost afraid to give it up because it had become so much a part of my daily life.

I can still hear my mom asking me about a church service earlier that week, "Whitney, if you knew you were feeling this way, why didn't you go up in the service and get prayed for?"

My answer? I WASN'T READY TO LET IT GO.

Let me tell you guys, God is a God of power. He can make any change needed in your life, but let me tell you also what He cannot do: He cannot make us give our battles to Him.

If I had went up and gotten prayed for before I was ready to give my loneliness and anger up, it wouldn't have mattered. Yeah, maybe I would've felt better in the moment, but my struggle wasn't going anywhere, not because God couldn't have taken it from me, but in all honesty, I wouldn't let Him. In my mind, I thought I was offering it up to Him with each prayer. In reality, I still wanted to hold a grudge. I still wanted to hate somebody. I still wanted to be angry and bitter, and I felt justified in it. 

Ah, but then this night came where I reached my unexpected breaking point. I get myself together and go into the church. "Amazing Grace" is filling the air, praises to our Father. Beautiful atmosphere. Then "Break Every Chain" starts to play, which if you read the first loneliness blog, you would know that's when I first embraced my weakness. The pastor gets up and states, "If you leave with your chains, tonight, it's your fault." And it's like a rock sunk in my stomach. That kind of sinking feeling that only the knowledge that you're about to do something you don't want to can cause. I knew I had chains. On top of that, I knew the pastor was speaking directly to my soul. My tell-tale sign of when I'm supposed to do something in a service (my heart starts thumping in my stomach) started to make itself known, and they say you know it's God when it's something you do not want to do. Well it was definitely God because the last thing I wanted to do was get up in a district service (which I have never done other than singing in the choir) and get prayed for by strangers. God, however, made it pretty clear to me that my freedom was there that night. 

The thing is I had came to such a dark place that I don't think there was much, if anything, I wouldn't have done at that point to be free of my baggage. And let me tell you, oh strong ones, if you haven't reached that breaking point, you will. Life will bring you to your knees, and there will come a point that you will do whatever you have to to rid yourself of the pain. I was willing to do what was necessary if it meant being delivered from my loneliness. 

After a long time of waiting because the service was going so well, I was about a nervous wreck. I just had to go. I weaved my way through the crowd at the alter to track down the preacher praying for everyone. I told him of my burden and that I needed free of it. He prayed for me and instantly, there were hands all over my body praying. I heard the prayers of the people surrounding me. Them lifting me up. I became weak and started to give it to Him. Things around me starting calming down though, all the people, so I started collecting myself to go back to my seat. I felt better, but I knew I wasn't completely free. I almost left the alter still as a broken girl. This is why I can now sympathize with people that leave church services without getting their help.

A lady put her hand on me and said, "I still feel a chain here." And there I go all over again, sobbing, but this time was different. I just let myself collapse into the arms of strangers and of one of my best friends. I felt a heaviness leave my heart. I physically felt lighter. My loneliness didn't return after that night, so I know what chain was broken at that alter. I am thankful, you don't even know.

He gave me hope. He restored me. I felt whole again like I hadn't in eight months. I was delivered on that night. I still have situations that arise trying to bring the loneliness back, but I have not been overwhelmed by it since that night. I was fully delivered. I am free.

I could talk all day about the mental war I fought in and the darkness I lived in, but the truth of the matter is that in the most pain I had ever been in, I was given the greatest gift I've ever received:

A BEST FRIEND NAMED JESUS.

I have always been a Christian. I have always loved Jesus. I have worshipped Him for years. I have lived for Him. But somehow in all this, I didn't fully understand how desperately I needed Him. 

I had to be broken, completely shattered before He could begin to mend me. In these months, I spent more time with Him than I had at any other point in my life. I invested hours a day watching Bethel church service videos (CHECK OUT STEFFANY GRETZINGER, or really any of them, BUT MAINLY HER) and being flooded by the spirit. I found myself having church in my bedroom sometimes just watching how God shown on others, or even better, going back and listening to old church recordings I had of our youth choir Extended leading worship. I had church everyday of the week all alone. I finally knew what it was like to know Jesus as my best friend.

What's ironic about this is my loneliness occurred due to my lack of understanding and my longing to have someone in my life that could provide that (whether it be a significant other, best friend, or loved one), and instead of giving me an earthly version of that, He gave me Him. Instead of sending me a best friend or love, He sent Himself. Instead of searching for a person to complete me, I am complete in Him, and that is a far better option that looking for a human to make you whole. I have never been the type to need someone; I just have too much pride for that, but let me tell you, this girl needs Jesus. I am NOTHING without Him. Absolutely nothing. He didn't answer my prayer in the way I expected, but He answered it in a much greater way. People can come and go, but my God is permanent. He is never failing, unchanging, and has a RELENTLESS love for us.

If I had never went through loneliness, I never would've grown to love Him like I do now. He wouldn't mean what He does to me now. I know that because He wasn't that to me before. It was worth it all for the love I share with Him now. I would do it all over again as many times as I have to for what I feel with Him now. 

The PURPOSE of letting go is learning to trust Him along the way. Breaking before Him so He can fully reconstruct you in His image and in His way.  His way is higher than ours. We cannot save ourselves or fix ourselves, but we serve a wonderful God who can if we will offer up our faults to Him. You will love Him deeper. You will know Him with a closeness that a casual relationship with Him cannot allow. It's about the time you spend with Him when He is the only one you can turn to. It's putting your complete faith in His ability to make beauty from your ashes.

I want to tell you that now I am free. Seven months free of my darkness. Loneliness does not define me. Jesus does. I want you to know He can do the same for you if you will lay your battles in His hands. It will be a journey. Probably a long one that will bring you to your knees. One that will leave you out of breath wondering what else can go wrong. One that will make you question if all the good days have passed and if this sadness is what your life will remain as.

But even in those moments, know He's there. Know that He is using these moments of weakness as a gateway to speak to your heart. I have learned you will listen to Him a whole lot better in that state than when you're all happy. He doesn't like to see you hurt and know He already has a plan of what beauty He is going to make from your ashes. There is already a solution and perfect ending in His mind, but you just gotta trust in Him, and that's not always easy.

The journey was worth it. Every bit of my pain. Every night I lied awake feeling worthless and unwanted. Because now I know just how wanted I am: He died for me before I existed, He loved me in my failure and doubt, and He never gave up on me. I love Him deeper than before. I have more compassion for others and can love them better because I know some of the extent of His love. I want to show others the love He has shown me. He has used me to teach others and to uplift them. That's what he's kind of doing now, as I think about it. He didn't bring me through it for me to do nothing. He wanted someone to know there is always hope in Him when you let go and let God. You just have to believe it and give it to Him. He is ready and willing to take it off you. He wants to be your best friend too.

In conclusion, here's the link to "Letting Go": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-O0nyTAHJU 

Here's the lyrics. Read them out loud to God. Let Him know what He means to you. As always, thanks for reading, and I hope this touched you in some way.

"Letting Go"

You've brought me to the end of myself This has been the longest road Just when my hallelujah was tired You gave me a new song I'm letting go I'm letting go I'm letting go Falling into You I confess I still get scared sometimes But perfect love comes rushing in And all the lies screamed inside go silent The moment You begin I'm letting go I'm letting go I'm letting go Falling into You You remind me Of things forgotten You unwind me Until I'm totally undone And with Your arms around me Fear was no match for Your love Now You've won me And if I lived a thousand lifetimes And wrote a song for every day Still there would be no way to say How You have loved me Oh, how You love me And that's how You've won me