-You will almost always find me around people. I love being in the presence of others.
-The thing I love to do most is make people laugh because I know the power of humor.
-My family and friends are wonderful, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
-I value my relationship with Christ more than anything else in my life.
-I am outgoing, and I have confidence in myself and my abilities.
But what might surprise you after reading all of that is that I suffer from loneliness.
I know what you might be thinking: "This is a pity party, she has no clue what that is like. She has friends and family that she's lucky to have! She seems to be happy all the time. She's a Christian, so she shouldn't ever feel lonely. She should know God is always there." I'll answer this all: This is something that I would definitely rather not be sharing, so no sympathy is wanted. I do know what it is like. I am extremely lucky for the people I have. I can pretend to be happy if I see the need to. And even being a Christian, you can feel lonely, even when you know God is there. SOMEWHERE.
Throughout my life, I have had short periods of this feeling, the longest being four months a few years ago. I like solitude so I knew there was a difference between the peace I felt while I was alone and what I was feeling in those moments. For years, I was alone, but not lonely, and there is a difference. I can be on my own and be completely content, but then December of 2014 came, and that feeling has not left me. Something shifted in me, as if someone had pulled a rug from under my feet. Events in my life led me to feel unwanted, less than, and as if I wasn't special or important. And that's a place I hadn't ever thoroughly explored before, but little did I know just how in depth I would learn this new terrain.
As months went on, I unknowingly sunk further into this feeling. I didn't know it was still there until the situation that triggered it kept presenting itself in front of me, and then I realized I had a problem. At first, I thought it might be jealousy. Aspects of the situation caused thoughts of inadequacy so that made sense to me. But that wasn't the answer. Then I thought that it was betrayal, and maybe aspects of the situation were, but all of this was bringing light to the big picture.
Last week, I finally came to terms with the fact that I am lonely. And that's a hard thing to admit because there is a certain amount of shame that comes with that word. It feels as if you're labeling yourself as needy, with low self-esteem, and an outcast. In reality, I am none of those things. Loneliness is not the lack of people surrounding you or of love in your life. Loneliness is a lack of understanding. You feel as though nobody can fully comprehend what you are saying or feeling. At some point, every human will feel that to some intensity if they haven't already. It's not something Christians are immune to; it's a human emotion.
What I've found to be the hardest is telling that to the people I love. It feels like you're telling them that they didn't love you enough to save you from this, and that is definitely not the case. During Sunday morning service, our church's drama team BASIC (which is composed of five of my friends and I) did a drama to "Break Every Chain." At the end of the song, we each rip a piece of paper that has a struggle on it. I had asked for us to write our own chains/problems on the paper so it was more personal, and Sunday, I had to make myself write what had been laid on my heart. I wrote "UNWANTED" and tried to hide it in the other papers nonchalantly. I obviously didn't want my friends to know I felt this way, but God wanted me to be honest with myself and the ones I love, so I couldn't pretend anymore. At the end of the song, I held up the paper with my grandparents in front of me, my aunts and uncles, my church family, my mom. That hurt. But the freedom I felt tearing that paper surpassed it.
In that moment, I knew that when I could finally claim it, victory would be mine. I knew more than ever that God never left, and I certainly was never alone. As I research on this more and more, I find that it's not unusual (thus I'm not lonely in feeling lonely). Even JESUS felt lonely: in the garden as His best friends underestimated His pain and the magnitude of the situation, in His daily life as nobody could ever comprehend what He knew and had seen, and on the cross when He sacrificed everything so we would never have to be alone, but with Him forever.
In conclusion: YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN FEELING LONELY. Nobody wants to admit they're hurt. Nobody wants to feel weak. I now understand that. Jesus himself understands that because He walked in it every single day of His life on Earth. I know with Him, I am not alone, and He is for me. Even in this emotion and this blind struggle, He is somehow guiding me through it all. He is helping me to find closure. To forgive. To let go. To trust in Him more than I previously ever had to.
I find the PURPOSE of loneliness to be that in those moments, we learn to lean on Him instead of relying on our own strength and ability. When we have finally reached our lowest, we will turn to Him and that is when He can begin to make us whole and new. In our loneliness, we allow Him to speak to us like we usually wouldn't and to show us things that we usually would pass off as nonexistent in our lives. When we are vulnerable and find Him to be our closest friend and only hope, then He can work on us, hold us nearer, and show us just how deep His love for us really is.
Though I walk through deep waters, I know that you will be with me.
I AM NOT ALONE.
