The Worship Leader Who Lost Her Song

Hello again. Once more, it has been a while. I've had a simultaneously rough and wonderful past two years, and I hope to eventually share some of my stories with you. There are so many moving pieces in my testimony with many pieces being intertwined and both feeding and fueling one another. Some parts are hard to share, but I do believe God will use them to change lives, so hold on for that, I guess.

I want to discuss the word "purpose" in a different light today. My previous posts were about finding purpose in the pain you've been through and basically finding that God can bring new understanding and perspective from every situation. Everything indeed happens for some reason, I believe, and I've sought to use my life and the reasons God has shown me to help someone else in a similar spot find their reason and purpose for the pain they're currently going through or have survived. In this post, however, I want to explore how the devil attacks our purpose, our ministry, and, for me as of late, our identity in Christ and its relation to the previous two aspects I mentioned.

Today, I want to discuss a large part of my identity in God and in life: I am a worship leader. To most, you hear it and just think of the band at your church or the person singing on the stage, but it's so much more than a song or a voice. It's something that's ingrained in your heart, in the very fibers of your spiritual DNA. You love to sing. You love to praise and worship God. You love being in His presence and helping lead others into His presence as well. You love sharing your heart and God's words with others. You love singing songs of victory, perseverance, breakthrough, worship, and deliverance. You love seeing people's eyes fill up with tears as they process the words you're singing, words they've felt but were previously unable to put into words themselves. You love seeing God use you to make a difference in His kingdom. You love God's people and being a vessel for God to work through.

From a young age, this was me. I loved to sing. It was my greatest passion. It's where I felt at home. I felt safe, confident... whole. It brought me more joy than anything else. I joined the adult choir at church at age 15 and over the years became one of the main lead singers, eventually becoming the assistant director to my aunt at age 19. During my junior year of college, I started attending a campus ministry and after one semester, I joined the worship band there, which is still one of the better decisions I've ever made. Suddenly the girl who had only gotten to sing along to instrumental CDs was getting to finally lead worship with a live band; I could pick whatever song I wanted, be spontaneous, and be free. It was exhilarating! God used me there, giving me words of encouragement for the group and reminding them we all have struggles, but God can defeat them all. I was being used at two places, leading worship for a total of four services a week, almost every week. Church was my life, and I was completely okay with it. It felt good. It was my escape, my happy place.

I was the worship leader. That's how I identified myself to new students ("I'm the girl who leads worship"). That's how I identified myself at church, and frankly how most of my church has come to identify me as well, even more so than being the pastor's daughter, I would say. I found myself in God through my position as a worship leader. It was what He called me to be after all, so how could it be a bad thing to place my identity in?

To this, I ask... what happens to a worship leader when you attack and steal her song?
Rather, who is she when she no longer has a song?

In the last year of my life, the devil has attacked my identity as a worship leader.
He attacked my confidence as I have battled insecurities with my voice.
He attacked my passion to minister to the congregation as I felt my words were falling on deaf ears.
He attacked my focus as distractions in the church and on the stage took my mind off the words I was singing and led me to feeling bitter, angry, and discouraged.
He attacked my sense of self as I have questioned my worthiness and battled shame.
Most of all, he attacked my identity as a worship leader to the point that I no longer wanted to lead worship.

The girl who passionately led worship at two places slowly lost her desire to sing, and without that desire, I didn't know who I was anymore. For years, that was my position. That was how I fulfilled God's purpose in my life. That's what I contributed to God, so what happens when you no longer love your calling, or more so when you no longer feel like you are your calling? Who are you then?

This is where I found myself in April of 2019. I was a broken girl with too much of her plate, feeling constantly torn between the two ministries I was involved in and trying to be a good participant of both while also trying me to be a good daughter, friend, and girlfriend (which for the latter was basically a new experience for me). I was going through the motions, picking songs based on what I had already done and what was easy, not because I felt led to sing that song or like it was what someone needed to hear. I was tired of my life and the responsibilities I willingly had taken on. For once, I wanted to just be me, but the problem is that I no longer knew who that was apart from leading worship. Who am I in the church if I don't sing? If I'm not on stage ministering? Who am I?

After a long conversation with my dad and deciding to step down from my church choir for a few weeks, I realized what had happened to me over the last few years. I had wrapped my identity in God up in my ministry, thinking that was the most important part of me and what God wanted me for. I had forgotten that, before I am a worship leader, I am His child, and one that He loves dearly at that. I had placed my value in Him in my ministry, which is why when I didn't feel like I was being very successful in furthering His kingdom, I felt like I was a failure to God.

But that's not true.

Before I was created, God knew me. He knew who I would be. He knew I was a worship leader, but He also knew that I would be loud and laugh a lot. He knew I would love people to the point that it hurts me. He knew I would have trouble letting things go. He knew I would love to talk and that I would want to share my stories with people. He knew everything about me, and it still amazes me that He loves me despite that. He knew all the good and the bad and still saw me as someone worth creating. Whenever I see God in that sense, as the One who literally formed me in His hands and handpicked my individual traits, me being a worship leader seems like a much smaller piece of my puzzle.

It's part of my purpose, but it no longer is my identity.

Your ministry is important, but it's not what makes you important to God.
You are important to Him whether you ever serve Him or not because, either way, you are His child, and He still loves you.

Before anything, YOU ARE HIS CHILD.
Before you are a pastor, you are His child.
Before you are a Sunday School teacher, you are His child.
Before you are a campus minister, a band member, a kids' group sponsor, a blogger, a daughter, a son, a spouse, a friend, or even the parent of someone else, you are His child.

And in similar news (since we tend to forget this in the church):
Before you are an alcoholic, you are His child.
Before you are an addict, you are His child.
Before you are a liar, a thief, a hypocrite, an adulterer, or a gossiper, YOU ARE HIS CHILD.

The devil will attack your identity as a child of God. That's a given, but He will also come against what you value in yourself and make you feel as though your efforts are unimportant. Like you're wasting your time. Like no one hears you, much less cares what you have to say. In these moments, remind yourself that you are a child of God. My dad has said this so many times, but God has no step-children. We are all made in His image, formed in His hands, and given the opportunity to live with Him forever if only we decide to ask Him into our hearts, ask for forgiveness, and follow Him. Either way, we are His children. You are loved by Him, and He has a divine purpose for your life that only you can complete. He called you, and He doesn't care if you've walked away or slacked off; He just wants you to come back to Him and get to know Him. Know His love is that of a kind father and He's always waiting at the door if you ever decide to pack your bags, come back home, and knock on the door (spoiler: He'll always let you in).

To my fellow leaders, go forward knowing God sees you for more than just your ministry and what you do for His kingdom. He sees you as His child first and wants to pour into you first before He sends you to pour out to others. He never wants any of us to go without or stumble on feeling weak and lifeless. He loves you for just being His child. I hope this resonates with you if you're feeling real tired, defeated, and lonely today... You are definitely not alone. We have big jobs to do, but we can't properly shed the light of Jesus on others and tell them they're children of God like us if we don't even fully view ourselves as being loved for solely being His child. We should want to do all we can for Jesus; the purpose of this was not to say, "Forget your ministry and do nothing. Just be loved." No, God gave us each a purpose He wants us to fulfill. I want you to know, though, that He does not want you to see yourself as only important to Him based on what you can give Him or do for Him. God doesn't really need anything from us; realistically, what can we give a God who has all things but ourselves? God wants us to do for His people, but first, we have to see ourselves through God's eyes before we can start telling others how God views them with that same love. You are important either way, and you are more than your ministry.

For me, right now, I'm still figuring out what God wants to do with me, and I still battle feeling a lack of purpose whenever things aren't really going like I feel they should be. I'm still trying to find my song again. A new, refreshing one. Sometimes I feel it, but then sometimes I don't, but all the while, I know who my Father is, and I know He's got me no matter where He decides to take me or what He decides to make of me, so I guess I'm just going to be crazy enough to trust Him.

It's funny: God knows exactly what we're going to be, and throughout life, He slowly shows us our ministry, part by part. In the last year, I've realized He wants me to eventually travel and talk about subjects the church tends to shy away from, topics I couldn't have ever discussed three years ago, especially without making a few mistakes along the way. Our ministry changes as we go, so for people struggling to find your purpose, just make sure you're placing it in God and He'll slowly reveal parts of it to you in time. Be willing to try new things and take risks. Join the choir, help with a church play, assist in the kids' ministry. You might just find it to be a piece of your puzzle, a piece of what God called you to be.

In conclusion, I want to remind you: DON'T PLACE YOUR IDENTITY IN YOUR POSITION.
Only place your purpose and identity in God and what He says you are.
Ultimately, Jesus is the only one who sees our hearts and knows our intentions, hurts, and struggles.
Other people will see you how they want to see you, whether good or bad, but He sees and knows all. Do not allow the devil, others, or even yourself to attack your identity or make you feel like you are nothing outside of your ministry.

You are a child of God, and you are ONLY what He says you are.

"I Am Not ALONE."

Here are some truths about me:

-You will almost always find me around people. I love being in the presence of others.

-The thing I love to do most is make people laugh because I know the power of humor.

-My family and friends are wonderful, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

-I value my relationship with Christ more than anything else in my life.

-I am outgoing, and I have confidence in myself and my abilities.

But what might surprise you after reading all of that is that I suffer from loneliness.

I know what you might be thinking: "This is a pity party, she has no clue what that is like. She has friends and family that she's lucky to have! She seems to be happy all the time. She's a Christian, so she shouldn't ever feel lonely. She should know God is always there." I'll answer this all: This is something that I would definitely rather not be sharing, so no sympathy is wanted. I do know what it is like. I am extremely lucky for the people I have. I can pretend to be happy if I see the need to. And even being a Christian, you can feel lonely, even when you know God is there. SOMEWHERE.

Throughout my life, I have had short periods of this feeling, the longest being four months a few years ago. I like solitude so I knew there was a difference between the peace I felt while I was alone and what I was feeling in those moments. For years, I was alone, but not lonely, and there is a difference. I can be on my own and be completely content, but then December of 2014 came, and that feeling has not left me. Something shifted in me, as if someone had pulled a rug from under my feet. Events in my life led me to feel unwanted, less than, and as if I wasn't special or important. And that's a place I hadn't ever thoroughly explored before, but little did I know just how in depth I would learn this new terrain.

As months went on, I unknowingly sunk further into this feeling. I didn't know it was still there until the situation that triggered it kept presenting itself in front of me, and then I realized I had a problem. At first, I thought it might be jealousy. Aspects of the situation caused thoughts of inadequacy so that made sense to me. But that wasn't the answer. Then I thought that it was betrayal, and maybe aspects of the situation were, but all of this was bringing light to the big picture. 

Last week, I finally came to terms with the fact that I am lonely. And that's a hard thing to admit because there is a certain amount of shame that comes with that word. It feels as if you're labeling yourself as needy, with low self-esteem, and an outcast. In reality, I am none of those things. Loneliness is not the lack of people surrounding you or of love in your life. Loneliness is a lack of understanding. You feel as though nobody can fully comprehend what you are saying or feeling. At some point, every human will feel that to some intensity if they haven't already. It's not something Christians are immune to; it's a human emotion.

What I've found to be the hardest is telling that to the people I love. It feels like you're telling them that they didn't love you enough to save you from this, and that is definitely not the case. During Sunday morning service, our church's drama team BASIC (which is composed of five of my friends and I) did a drama to "Break Every Chain." At the end of the song, we each rip a piece of paper that has a struggle on it. I had asked for us to write our own chains/problems on the paper so it was more personal, and Sunday, I had to make myself write what had been laid on my heart. I wrote "UNWANTED" and tried to hide it in the other papers nonchalantly. I obviously didn't want my friends to know I felt this way, but God wanted me to be honest with myself and the ones I love, so I couldn't pretend anymore. At the end of the song, I held up the paper with my grandparents in front of me, my aunts and uncles, my church family, my mom. That hurt. But the freedom I felt tearing that paper surpassed it.

In that moment, I knew that when I could finally claim it, victory would be mine. I knew more than ever that God never left, and I certainly was never alone. As I research on this more and more, I find that it's not unusual (thus I'm not lonely in feeling lonely). Even JESUS felt lonely: in the garden as His best friends underestimated His pain and the magnitude of the situation, in His daily life as nobody could ever comprehend what He knew and had seen, and on the cross when He sacrificed everything so we would never have to be alone, but with Him forever.

In conclusion: YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN FEELING LONELY. Nobody wants to admit they're hurt. Nobody wants to feel weak. I now understand that. Jesus himself understands that because He walked in it every single day of His life on Earth. I know with Him, I am not alone, and He is for me. Even in this emotion and this blind struggle, He is somehow guiding me through it all. He is helping me to find closure. To forgive. To let go. To trust in Him more than I previously ever had to. 

I find the PURPOSE of loneliness to be that in those moments, we learn to lean on Him instead of relying on our own strength and ability. When we have finally reached our lowest, we will turn to Him and that is when He can begin to make us whole and new. In our loneliness, we allow Him to speak to us like we usually wouldn't and to show us things that we usually would pass off as nonexistent in our lives. When we are vulnerable and find Him to be our closest friend and only hope, then He can work on us, hold us nearer, and show us just how deep His love for us really is. 

Though I walk through deep waters, I know that you will be with me.

I AM NOT ALONE.