The Worship Leader Who Lost Her Song

Hello again. Once more, it has been a while. I've had a simultaneously rough and wonderful past two years, and I hope to eventually share some of my stories with you. There are so many moving pieces in my testimony with many pieces being intertwined and both feeding and fueling one another. Some parts are hard to share, but I do believe God will use them to change lives, so hold on for that, I guess.

I want to discuss the word "purpose" in a different light today. My previous posts were about finding purpose in the pain you've been through and basically finding that God can bring new understanding and perspective from every situation. Everything indeed happens for some reason, I believe, and I've sought to use my life and the reasons God has shown me to help someone else in a similar spot find their reason and purpose for the pain they're currently going through or have survived. In this post, however, I want to explore how the devil attacks our purpose, our ministry, and, for me as of late, our identity in Christ and its relation to the previous two aspects I mentioned.

Today, I want to discuss a large part of my identity in God and in life: I am a worship leader. To most, you hear it and just think of the band at your church or the person singing on the stage, but it's so much more than a song or a voice. It's something that's ingrained in your heart, in the very fibers of your spiritual DNA. You love to sing. You love to praise and worship God. You love being in His presence and helping lead others into His presence as well. You love sharing your heart and God's words with others. You love singing songs of victory, perseverance, breakthrough, worship, and deliverance. You love seeing people's eyes fill up with tears as they process the words you're singing, words they've felt but were previously unable to put into words themselves. You love seeing God use you to make a difference in His kingdom. You love God's people and being a vessel for God to work through.

From a young age, this was me. I loved to sing. It was my greatest passion. It's where I felt at home. I felt safe, confident... whole. It brought me more joy than anything else. I joined the adult choir at church at age 15 and over the years became one of the main lead singers, eventually becoming the assistant director to my aunt at age 19. During my junior year of college, I started attending a campus ministry and after one semester, I joined the worship band there, which is still one of the better decisions I've ever made. Suddenly the girl who had only gotten to sing along to instrumental CDs was getting to finally lead worship with a live band; I could pick whatever song I wanted, be spontaneous, and be free. It was exhilarating! God used me there, giving me words of encouragement for the group and reminding them we all have struggles, but God can defeat them all. I was being used at two places, leading worship for a total of four services a week, almost every week. Church was my life, and I was completely okay with it. It felt good. It was my escape, my happy place.

I was the worship leader. That's how I identified myself to new students ("I'm the girl who leads worship"). That's how I identified myself at church, and frankly how most of my church has come to identify me as well, even more so than being the pastor's daughter, I would say. I found myself in God through my position as a worship leader. It was what He called me to be after all, so how could it be a bad thing to place my identity in?

To this, I ask... what happens to a worship leader when you attack and steal her song?
Rather, who is she when she no longer has a song?

In the last year of my life, the devil has attacked my identity as a worship leader.
He attacked my confidence as I have battled insecurities with my voice.
He attacked my passion to minister to the congregation as I felt my words were falling on deaf ears.
He attacked my focus as distractions in the church and on the stage took my mind off the words I was singing and led me to feeling bitter, angry, and discouraged.
He attacked my sense of self as I have questioned my worthiness and battled shame.
Most of all, he attacked my identity as a worship leader to the point that I no longer wanted to lead worship.

The girl who passionately led worship at two places slowly lost her desire to sing, and without that desire, I didn't know who I was anymore. For years, that was my position. That was how I fulfilled God's purpose in my life. That's what I contributed to God, so what happens when you no longer love your calling, or more so when you no longer feel like you are your calling? Who are you then?

This is where I found myself in April of 2019. I was a broken girl with too much of her plate, feeling constantly torn between the two ministries I was involved in and trying to be a good participant of both while also trying me to be a good daughter, friend, and girlfriend (which for the latter was basically a new experience for me). I was going through the motions, picking songs based on what I had already done and what was easy, not because I felt led to sing that song or like it was what someone needed to hear. I was tired of my life and the responsibilities I willingly had taken on. For once, I wanted to just be me, but the problem is that I no longer knew who that was apart from leading worship. Who am I in the church if I don't sing? If I'm not on stage ministering? Who am I?

After a long conversation with my dad and deciding to step down from my church choir for a few weeks, I realized what had happened to me over the last few years. I had wrapped my identity in God up in my ministry, thinking that was the most important part of me and what God wanted me for. I had forgotten that, before I am a worship leader, I am His child, and one that He loves dearly at that. I had placed my value in Him in my ministry, which is why when I didn't feel like I was being very successful in furthering His kingdom, I felt like I was a failure to God.

But that's not true.

Before I was created, God knew me. He knew who I would be. He knew I was a worship leader, but He also knew that I would be loud and laugh a lot. He knew I would love people to the point that it hurts me. He knew I would have trouble letting things go. He knew I would love to talk and that I would want to share my stories with people. He knew everything about me, and it still amazes me that He loves me despite that. He knew all the good and the bad and still saw me as someone worth creating. Whenever I see God in that sense, as the One who literally formed me in His hands and handpicked my individual traits, me being a worship leader seems like a much smaller piece of my puzzle.

It's part of my purpose, but it no longer is my identity.

Your ministry is important, but it's not what makes you important to God.
You are important to Him whether you ever serve Him or not because, either way, you are His child, and He still loves you.

Before anything, YOU ARE HIS CHILD.
Before you are a pastor, you are His child.
Before you are a Sunday School teacher, you are His child.
Before you are a campus minister, a band member, a kids' group sponsor, a blogger, a daughter, a son, a spouse, a friend, or even the parent of someone else, you are His child.

And in similar news (since we tend to forget this in the church):
Before you are an alcoholic, you are His child.
Before you are an addict, you are His child.
Before you are a liar, a thief, a hypocrite, an adulterer, or a gossiper, YOU ARE HIS CHILD.

The devil will attack your identity as a child of God. That's a given, but He will also come against what you value in yourself and make you feel as though your efforts are unimportant. Like you're wasting your time. Like no one hears you, much less cares what you have to say. In these moments, remind yourself that you are a child of God. My dad has said this so many times, but God has no step-children. We are all made in His image, formed in His hands, and given the opportunity to live with Him forever if only we decide to ask Him into our hearts, ask for forgiveness, and follow Him. Either way, we are His children. You are loved by Him, and He has a divine purpose for your life that only you can complete. He called you, and He doesn't care if you've walked away or slacked off; He just wants you to come back to Him and get to know Him. Know His love is that of a kind father and He's always waiting at the door if you ever decide to pack your bags, come back home, and knock on the door (spoiler: He'll always let you in).

To my fellow leaders, go forward knowing God sees you for more than just your ministry and what you do for His kingdom. He sees you as His child first and wants to pour into you first before He sends you to pour out to others. He never wants any of us to go without or stumble on feeling weak and lifeless. He loves you for just being His child. I hope this resonates with you if you're feeling real tired, defeated, and lonely today... You are definitely not alone. We have big jobs to do, but we can't properly shed the light of Jesus on others and tell them they're children of God like us if we don't even fully view ourselves as being loved for solely being His child. We should want to do all we can for Jesus; the purpose of this was not to say, "Forget your ministry and do nothing. Just be loved." No, God gave us each a purpose He wants us to fulfill. I want you to know, though, that He does not want you to see yourself as only important to Him based on what you can give Him or do for Him. God doesn't really need anything from us; realistically, what can we give a God who has all things but ourselves? God wants us to do for His people, but first, we have to see ourselves through God's eyes before we can start telling others how God views them with that same love. You are important either way, and you are more than your ministry.

For me, right now, I'm still figuring out what God wants to do with me, and I still battle feeling a lack of purpose whenever things aren't really going like I feel they should be. I'm still trying to find my song again. A new, refreshing one. Sometimes I feel it, but then sometimes I don't, but all the while, I know who my Father is, and I know He's got me no matter where He decides to take me or what He decides to make of me, so I guess I'm just going to be crazy enough to trust Him.

It's funny: God knows exactly what we're going to be, and throughout life, He slowly shows us our ministry, part by part. In the last year, I've realized He wants me to eventually travel and talk about subjects the church tends to shy away from, topics I couldn't have ever discussed three years ago, especially without making a few mistakes along the way. Our ministry changes as we go, so for people struggling to find your purpose, just make sure you're placing it in God and He'll slowly reveal parts of it to you in time. Be willing to try new things and take risks. Join the choir, help with a church play, assist in the kids' ministry. You might just find it to be a piece of your puzzle, a piece of what God called you to be.

In conclusion, I want to remind you: DON'T PLACE YOUR IDENTITY IN YOUR POSITION.
Only place your purpose and identity in God and what He says you are.
Ultimately, Jesus is the only one who sees our hearts and knows our intentions, hurts, and struggles.
Other people will see you how they want to see you, whether good or bad, but He sees and knows all. Do not allow the devil, others, or even yourself to attack your identity or make you feel like you are nothing outside of your ministry.

You are a child of God, and you are ONLY what He says you are.

When God Tells You to Stop Being Petty

It has been a while, guys. I've been waiting for quite some time now for something to hit me to the point where I needed to write it down and share it, and the time has finally come. When God tells me things, it's usually for me individually or for people in my church, but this is something I think we all (especially me) need to work on. So let's go.

The past three days have been interesting for me. Very busy. For the first time in months, I was able to attend our church's kids' ministry night on Friday. It fills me with such joy when I'm there because the kids all enjoy it so much, and they really listen and take things away from the nights. I come into our practice for that night, and a lady was talking to us about her family and the trials that are happening within it. Let me tell you that all Hell has broken loose on this family, and I honestly do not know how they are holding it together at all. That is a miracle and just a testament to God in itself. She started crying as she explained the situation, and it really stirred something in me. What kind of strength does it take to stand strong for your children while their lives fall apart, especially when you feel like falling apart as well? How does one lay aside their own pain and cover that up to remain strong for the ones experiencing the worst of it? How do you do that?

For almost a month now, a lady in our church has watched as her husband, who has been one of the healthiest, most hard-working people I know, fell ill to the point where it looked like he could pass away at any time. Thank God that He had another plan. The man has been making progress and recovering, but it is very likely that he will never be able to work again (or at least not to the same capacity as he previously did). This morning in church, though, she prayed for multiple people around the altar, all the while knowing that her family's situation probably surpassed the situations of the people she was praying for. How do you not only hold it together for your family, but continue to persevere and minister to people while in your greatest pain? How do you do that?

This morning I walk into church to see a lady I love dearly weeping. Someone had simply mentioned the name of someone very special in her life, and she just fell apart. She battles so much that she never lets others see. She's a very private person, yet today, her pain was too much to hold in. I know she's not someone that likes for people to see her cry, so I knew it had to be bad. I felt so much sadness for her. I slid my hand onto her shoulder and just sat there with her, just to try to let her know I was there for her. I'm not great at consoling or having the right words, but I figured her feeling me there beside her would mean something. How does someone hold all that in to the point that they break? How much pain has to build up for someone that doesn't show that kind of emotion to let it pour out? How do you put your needs and feelings on the back burner to prevent feeling like a burden to people? How do you do that?

This all leads to tonight. I open Facebook to see pictures of a friend of mine from my church group on campus in a hospital bed attached to machines. A simple pain in his body led to him being in the ICU with the possibility of never being able to walk again. He wasn't able to breathe on his own. He had just been playing volleyball (which I do twice a week), felt a pain, and ended up in the hospital. They said in the back of the ambulance, he made a statement that if he died, he knew he would be with Jesus.

Then God hit me. Like, for real, I felt like He slapped me upside my head. He convicted me, and then He reminded me of all that I've seen the past three days.

I find it easy to get caught up in the drama of my everyday life. The absolute nonsense of it all. Whether it's sometimes getting irritated with my friends, having to work, guy problems, or family-related, I let my life get the best of me sometimes. As a worship leader, I minister every service. There are some services I have attended knowing that I needed something, but I still poured out to people. No matter the state I'm in, I try to minister, but lately, I feel like I've started becoming numb to it all. How do you see all this trauma going on around you and still feel like you have something to complain about? It's stupid, but I do sometimes. Somehow the situations in my life still manage to cloud my vision to where I see my own problems first. Meanwhile, God's showing me people in my life that are actually going through Hell, and whatever I'm dealing with right now is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

My family is healthy. My aunt has recently battled breast cancer, and she is currently undergoing chemotherapy for it, but she is doing incredibly well. She wore her wig to church this morning with a smile on her face, and most people thought it was her real hair. I have parents that are still very much in love, and my household is calm (well, besides the fact that we're crazy and loud). I am in college and only a year away from graduating. I attend a church that loves and supports me, and that really is a model for what a church family should be. I attend a church on campus that gives me friendship and an opportunity to minister to people my age. I receive so much Godly advice there from my friends. God has given my friends who have shown me kindness and love. I'm an "honorary" aunt to a little girl that has my heart and that I get to watch grow up. I will get to be someone she grows up around and hopefully looks up to, and every day, she is a reason why I try to better myself: so I can be someone worth watching and imitating. I'm not the best singer by any means, but God has given me the ability to sing and put my thoughts into music. I'd be even crazier if I didn't have that outlet of expression.

He reminded me today that I need to stop being petty. I AM BLESSED.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and allowing that to prevent me from fully understanding the weight of the needs surrounding me. God called me to minister, and I can't minister if I'm neck-deep in self-pity and unresolved issues. I need to grow up.

So to both myself and you reading:
None of the stuff that is stressing you out would matter if your children's lives were falling apart. Hurt feelings do not matter when your loved one could go to eternity at any minute.
Rude comments and anger would not matter if you could not speak to the person you love most.
And your prayers about God sending you the love of your life seem awfully petty when your friend can't breathe on his own.

You're not wrong for being hurt, angry, or offended by people's actions. Your reactions were probably deserved. You're not wrong for wanting to do well in school or your job. God wants you to succeed in all that you do! You're not wrong for wanting God to send you an incredible partner to live your life with. He wants to send that person to you in due time.

But we are all wrong when we place the importance of these things over God and His ministry in our lives. Whenever a "good ole Christian" makes an ungodly remark at you, they are definitely wrong in doing so, but don't let that person take you away from the presence of God. Don't let them win or destroy you. Don't let that cloud your judgment to where you can't see a reason to stay and continue ministering to people. When we care more about having a relationship with a guy or girl than one with Jesus Christ, we are WRONG. When we come to church constantly only looking to receive and never expecting to give, we are wrong.

We need to get to a point where we can be aware of the magnitude of our own needs, but not allow them to cover up how major the ones in other people's lives are. I am reminded of the Hillsong song "Lead Me to the Cross." A line in it says, "Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost." I think that's what He's calling us to do. All the small things... let them go. Turn our eyes to the hurting people in the world and the ones who don't know Him and to get over our hang-ups. In the end, only what you do for Him will matter. We forget that. When it comes to Him and His calling, I need to put aside my little things so I can minister to the ones who need hope and deliverance now. I need to be ready to be used instead of feeling bad for myself or letting things get me down. I need to get over myself and see the bigger, and more important, picture. These people need help NOW, and I am so unbelievably selfish if I let my nonsense keep me from showing God's love and power to them. I want to be able to count all else outside of Him as lost when He calls me. I want to be able to leave the baggage behind when He wants me to sing and speak. I want to be a willing and usable vessel.

I believe there are times in our lives when we just need to be ministered to, but we need to understand that sometimes even during that time, God wants us to do something for His people. Sometimes God shows you things in these times to share with people in similar situations and to encourage them. The three ladies were all used in the past three days to bring glory to the kingdom of God. They all ministered in the midst of their struggle. My friend has been a true light for Jesus. My main prayer for him is full recovery, and God knows if He healed him of this, my friend would testify of what he has went though and of God's great mercy. I know this.

There are more people in the world than just you and me. There are more struggles than just the ones we and our select few deal with. There is a world crying for hope, for peace, for clarity. We are failing them so badly if we are so consumed in our own nonsense that we can't lead them to the love of Christ. We need to also be lifting up our brothers and sisters in Christ because I would dare say that nobody who is truly serving God now has a life that's a bed of roses. We need to be praying for and ministering to each other more than we ever have because that's what it will take to keep everybody going. That and their relationship with Jesus firstly.

Tonight, God just reminded me of how unbelievably blessed I am, and to stop worrying and instead start freely placing my life even more into His hands. I am such a little piece in this grand puzzle, but I can make a great impact to the pieces surrounding me if only I will allow God to work through me even when I don't feel like it. I want to live this life in the knowledge that God has me, and all these people I mentioned, in his hands. Not a thing will touch us that He doesn't allow. We have to keep believing there is PURPOSE in all of this, and the purpose for this topic is not a universal one. It's whatever the person has to learn in the situation. Maybe they need to learn to trust Him more. Maybe they need to put Him first instead of other things. Maybe they need to listen. The reason for these trials in our lives is different depending on what God needs to teach us and what He has in store down the road. We may not ever know the reason for it during our time on this earth, but I believe that we will know in Heaven.

The best example I have is that my grandfather developed cancer late in his life and spent all those years not knowing Christ and chasing things of the world. On his deathbed, he became aware of his humanity. He finally realized that he needed God, and maybe that wouldn't have happened if his health had stayed in tact. God did not give him cancer (life happens), but I believe cancer led my grandfather to God. It was hard losing him, but I can definitely say it would have been harder losing him and wondering which eternity he was in. Now, my family doesn't have to worry.

In conclusion, let's stop being petty. Let's stop letting the little things in life make us think we have it the worst. Let's stop sitting down with empty faces and being unaffected by the tragedy around us. Let's start feeling one another's burdens. Let's start praying for others like we would want them to pray for us. Let's start coming to church ready to minister, not expecting to receive but being happy if we do.

There are people knocking on the door if only we are listening for them to come in.