"I'm LETTING GO... Falling into you."

September 3, 2015:

A Thursday. Much worse than usual. I remember. It was one of those days that left you miserable, and you aren't even sure why. It was six o'clock in the evening, and I find myself in my car racing from college back to a district church service near my home. I was hysterically crying. At this point, I was eight months into my battle with loneliness. I was given occasional glimmers of hope, but nothing permanent. I was searching, longing for a change. I needed it desperately. I no longer had my joy, my free spirit, my confidence. I was becoming a shell of the person I once was, and I hated myself for becoming that. I was listening to "Letting Go" by Steffany Gretzinger and was overwhelmed with emotion, especially on the line that says, "You remind me of things forgotten." I had forgotten what genuine happiness felt like or how it felt to not carry that burden with me everywhere I went. It's a beautiful song; one of my favorites. As I was driving to church, I remember praying, "Lord, I need to see a light at the end of this tunnel. If you don't show me hope, I'm not going to find it." That's where I was at. At that point, I saw no way out. No visible sign of hope. I had been tormented for eight months now, and strangely, it's almost like I had forgotten life without that pain. I was almost afraid to give it up because it had become so much a part of my daily life.

I can still hear my mom asking me about a church service earlier that week, "Whitney, if you knew you were feeling this way, why didn't you go up in the service and get prayed for?"

My answer? I WASN'T READY TO LET IT GO.

Let me tell you guys, God is a God of power. He can make any change needed in your life, but let me tell you also what He cannot do: He cannot make us give our battles to Him.

If I had went up and gotten prayed for before I was ready to give my loneliness and anger up, it wouldn't have mattered. Yeah, maybe I would've felt better in the moment, but my struggle wasn't going anywhere, not because God couldn't have taken it from me, but in all honesty, I wouldn't let Him. In my mind, I thought I was offering it up to Him with each prayer. In reality, I still wanted to hold a grudge. I still wanted to hate somebody. I still wanted to be angry and bitter, and I felt justified in it. 

Ah, but then this night came where I reached my unexpected breaking point. I get myself together and go into the church. "Amazing Grace" is filling the air, praises to our Father. Beautiful atmosphere. Then "Break Every Chain" starts to play, which if you read the first loneliness blog, you would know that's when I first embraced my weakness. The pastor gets up and states, "If you leave with your chains, tonight, it's your fault." And it's like a rock sunk in my stomach. That kind of sinking feeling that only the knowledge that you're about to do something you don't want to can cause. I knew I had chains. On top of that, I knew the pastor was speaking directly to my soul. My tell-tale sign of when I'm supposed to do something in a service (my heart starts thumping in my stomach) started to make itself known, and they say you know it's God when it's something you do not want to do. Well it was definitely God because the last thing I wanted to do was get up in a district service (which I have never done other than singing in the choir) and get prayed for by strangers. God, however, made it pretty clear to me that my freedom was there that night. 

The thing is I had came to such a dark place that I don't think there was much, if anything, I wouldn't have done at that point to be free of my baggage. And let me tell you, oh strong ones, if you haven't reached that breaking point, you will. Life will bring you to your knees, and there will come a point that you will do whatever you have to to rid yourself of the pain. I was willing to do what was necessary if it meant being delivered from my loneliness. 

After a long time of waiting because the service was going so well, I was about a nervous wreck. I just had to go. I weaved my way through the crowd at the alter to track down the preacher praying for everyone. I told him of my burden and that I needed free of it. He prayed for me and instantly, there were hands all over my body praying. I heard the prayers of the people surrounding me. Them lifting me up. I became weak and started to give it to Him. Things around me starting calming down though, all the people, so I started collecting myself to go back to my seat. I felt better, but I knew I wasn't completely free. I almost left the alter still as a broken girl. This is why I can now sympathize with people that leave church services without getting their help.

A lady put her hand on me and said, "I still feel a chain here." And there I go all over again, sobbing, but this time was different. I just let myself collapse into the arms of strangers and of one of my best friends. I felt a heaviness leave my heart. I physically felt lighter. My loneliness didn't return after that night, so I know what chain was broken at that alter. I am thankful, you don't even know.

He gave me hope. He restored me. I felt whole again like I hadn't in eight months. I was delivered on that night. I still have situations that arise trying to bring the loneliness back, but I have not been overwhelmed by it since that night. I was fully delivered. I am free.

I could talk all day about the mental war I fought in and the darkness I lived in, but the truth of the matter is that in the most pain I had ever been in, I was given the greatest gift I've ever received:

A BEST FRIEND NAMED JESUS.

I have always been a Christian. I have always loved Jesus. I have worshipped Him for years. I have lived for Him. But somehow in all this, I didn't fully understand how desperately I needed Him. 

I had to be broken, completely shattered before He could begin to mend me. In these months, I spent more time with Him than I had at any other point in my life. I invested hours a day watching Bethel church service videos (CHECK OUT STEFFANY GRETZINGER, or really any of them, BUT MAINLY HER) and being flooded by the spirit. I found myself having church in my bedroom sometimes just watching how God shown on others, or even better, going back and listening to old church recordings I had of our youth choir Extended leading worship. I had church everyday of the week all alone. I finally knew what it was like to know Jesus as my best friend.

What's ironic about this is my loneliness occurred due to my lack of understanding and my longing to have someone in my life that could provide that (whether it be a significant other, best friend, or loved one), and instead of giving me an earthly version of that, He gave me Him. Instead of sending me a best friend or love, He sent Himself. Instead of searching for a person to complete me, I am complete in Him, and that is a far better option that looking for a human to make you whole. I have never been the type to need someone; I just have too much pride for that, but let me tell you, this girl needs Jesus. I am NOTHING without Him. Absolutely nothing. He didn't answer my prayer in the way I expected, but He answered it in a much greater way. People can come and go, but my God is permanent. He is never failing, unchanging, and has a RELENTLESS love for us.

If I had never went through loneliness, I never would've grown to love Him like I do now. He wouldn't mean what He does to me now. I know that because He wasn't that to me before. It was worth it all for the love I share with Him now. I would do it all over again as many times as I have to for what I feel with Him now. 

The PURPOSE of letting go is learning to trust Him along the way. Breaking before Him so He can fully reconstruct you in His image and in His way.  His way is higher than ours. We cannot save ourselves or fix ourselves, but we serve a wonderful God who can if we will offer up our faults to Him. You will love Him deeper. You will know Him with a closeness that a casual relationship with Him cannot allow. It's about the time you spend with Him when He is the only one you can turn to. It's putting your complete faith in His ability to make beauty from your ashes.

I want to tell you that now I am free. Seven months free of my darkness. Loneliness does not define me. Jesus does. I want you to know He can do the same for you if you will lay your battles in His hands. It will be a journey. Probably a long one that will bring you to your knees. One that will leave you out of breath wondering what else can go wrong. One that will make you question if all the good days have passed and if this sadness is what your life will remain as.

But even in those moments, know He's there. Know that He is using these moments of weakness as a gateway to speak to your heart. I have learned you will listen to Him a whole lot better in that state than when you're all happy. He doesn't like to see you hurt and know He already has a plan of what beauty He is going to make from your ashes. There is already a solution and perfect ending in His mind, but you just gotta trust in Him, and that's not always easy.

The journey was worth it. Every bit of my pain. Every night I lied awake feeling worthless and unwanted. Because now I know just how wanted I am: He died for me before I existed, He loved me in my failure and doubt, and He never gave up on me. I love Him deeper than before. I have more compassion for others and can love them better because I know some of the extent of His love. I want to show others the love He has shown me. He has used me to teach others and to uplift them. That's what he's kind of doing now, as I think about it. He didn't bring me through it for me to do nothing. He wanted someone to know there is always hope in Him when you let go and let God. You just have to believe it and give it to Him. He is ready and willing to take it off you. He wants to be your best friend too.

In conclusion, here's the link to "Letting Go": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-O0nyTAHJU 

Here's the lyrics. Read them out loud to God. Let Him know what He means to you. As always, thanks for reading, and I hope this touched you in some way.

"Letting Go"

You've brought me to the end of myself This has been the longest road Just when my hallelujah was tired You gave me a new song I'm letting go I'm letting go I'm letting go Falling into You I confess I still get scared sometimes But perfect love comes rushing in And all the lies screamed inside go silent The moment You begin I'm letting go I'm letting go I'm letting go Falling into You You remind me Of things forgotten You unwind me Until I'm totally undone And with Your arms around me Fear was no match for Your love Now You've won me And if I lived a thousand lifetimes And wrote a song for every day Still there would be no way to say How You have loved me Oh, how You love me And that's how You've won me

"Mighty is the Power of the CROSS."

This began on Thursday night. I attended a bible study hosted by one of my closest friends, and we have been reading "25 Days to Coming Alive at Christmas" for the past few weeks. (It's actually wrote by a hilarious friend of ours, Jenn Hand. Go look her up and read her stuff. It's both entertaining and filled with God!) We read each day's chapter on our own and then basically recap our personal highlights whenever we get together. Day 15 is named "Mighty God," and I knew instantly by the title that I would probably love it. And I did. The whole word for the day was drenched in reminders of His ultimate power over EVERYTHING. Reminders of Him defeating death and the cross. Reminders that He came knowing that He would have to give His life for us. There was a portion that stated that He would take the sins of the world in His nail-pierced hands. The very ones that hung the stars in the sky would be scarred for us. That's a powerful statement. The very hands that stretched out on the cross were the same ones that created the tree it was made from. He chose to die so He could breathe life into us.

A girl in the bible study brought up watching "The Passion of the Christ" when she was younger. The movie left an imprint on her. When she saw the words "nail-pierced hands" in the chapter, she had goosebumps because just those words alone put the vision from the movie in her mind. She was so emotionally moved by the thought of His hands being scarred. It sparked a conversation among the rest of us about that image. Him crucified, beaten, bloody. Dying for us.

I purposely avoided this movie because I knew I couldn't handle it. Just watching snippets of it led me to hysterical crying, and I don't just do that. The cross has always hit me so hard, and that's why I try not to linger on it. I want to picture Jesus as the man who rose from the dead or the baby in the manger, but I'm doing Him a disservice by not acknowledging one of the most significant parts of His story: He voluntarily chose to suffer and die so He could spend eternity with the very ones who led Him to the cross. 

We don't want to see Jesus like that because we see the reflection of our sin in His blood. In His scars. In His pain. I hate to think of what Jesus went through. I definitely hate to think He did that for ME. I did that to Him. My sins nailed Him to that tree. Do you understand that if you were the only soul He had to go to the cross for, He would? HE WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. A countless amount of times. Because for some reason, even in all of our failure and mayhem, He still loves us. And He never will stop. Isn't that wonderful to think about?

Last night (Day 19) covered the cross, ironically or not, and reminded me that from His very first cry, He knew His last cry would be suffering on a cross. HE KNEW THAT. Can you imagine what it would be like to live life knowing how you were going to die, and on top of that, knowing you would be tortured to save the people torturing you? What kind of love does that take? When I sat and rehashed the story of the cross, I began to cry out to my Lord. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I was overwhelmed with guilt. There I remained for a while just apologizing to Him for having to do that for me, but also thanking Him because He chose me over His own life. He thought I was worth dying for, and if that doesn't make you feel loved, I don't know what will.

Someone DIED for you so you may LIVE forever with Him.

Someone SUFFERED for you so that when your battles arise, He can take them off your shoulders.

Someone CHOSE spending His eternity with you over His own life.

The PURPOSE of remembering the cross is simple: We need to be reminded that someone gave it all for us. When we don't feel like worshipping, remember WHY and WHO you're worshipping. What you are worshipping Him for. And if that doesn't make you want to praise His name, I don't think anything will. When we get caught up in our tiny daily issues, we need to remember that this man lived every day of His life in misery knowing that it would eventually end in the most painful way possible. And on top of that, He knew that He was dying for people that wouldn't follow Him, hated Him, would mock Him, and He still did it! NOBODY ON EARTH HAS DONE ANY OF US THAT HORRIBLY. I REPEAT NOBODY. Before we allow things of this world to cloud our vision, remember eternity and the price it cost Him. Don't let His spilled blood go in vain. "If Jesus can die for you, the least you can do is live." And the least we can all do is recognize Him for just who He is: our redeemer, our strong tower, our shield, our defense, our conqueror, our savior, our God, and best of all, our eternity. Remember He gave it all for you like nobody else ever has and ever will. Remember that He is a MIGHTY GOD that has the ability to save us, if only we will let Him do it. Remember the cross. And Him. And His unconditional love for us. 

In conclusion, two songs are lingering in my mind. Sing them to your king. Look them up and spend some time thanking Jesus for the cross and the love we never deserved. Thank Him for all He's done because He is worthy to be praised! Here:

"I'm forgiven because You were forsaken.

I'm accepted; You were condemned.

I'm alive and well, Your spirit is with me

because You died and rose again.

Amazing love, how can it be,

that You, my king, would die for me?

Amazing love, I know it's true,

and it's my joy to honor You

in all I do, I honor You."

-You Are My King

"What can take a dying man
And raise him up to life again?
What can heal the wounded soul?
What can make us white as snow?
What can fill the emptiness?
What can mend our brokenness? Brokenness?

Mighty, awesome, wonderful,
is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
to lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of the cross."

-Mighty Is The Power Of The Cross

"I Am Not ALONE."

Here are some truths about me:

-You will almost always find me around people. I love being in the presence of others.

-The thing I love to do most is make people laugh because I know the power of humor.

-My family and friends are wonderful, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

-I value my relationship with Christ more than anything else in my life.

-I am outgoing, and I have confidence in myself and my abilities.

But what might surprise you after reading all of that is that I suffer from loneliness.

I know what you might be thinking: "This is a pity party, she has no clue what that is like. She has friends and family that she's lucky to have! She seems to be happy all the time. She's a Christian, so she shouldn't ever feel lonely. She should know God is always there." I'll answer this all: This is something that I would definitely rather not be sharing, so no sympathy is wanted. I do know what it is like. I am extremely lucky for the people I have. I can pretend to be happy if I see the need to. And even being a Christian, you can feel lonely, even when you know God is there. SOMEWHERE.

Throughout my life, I have had short periods of this feeling, the longest being four months a few years ago. I like solitude so I knew there was a difference between the peace I felt while I was alone and what I was feeling in those moments. For years, I was alone, but not lonely, and there is a difference. I can be on my own and be completely content, but then December of 2014 came, and that feeling has not left me. Something shifted in me, as if someone had pulled a rug from under my feet. Events in my life led me to feel unwanted, less than, and as if I wasn't special or important. And that's a place I hadn't ever thoroughly explored before, but little did I know just how in depth I would learn this new terrain.

As months went on, I unknowingly sunk further into this feeling. I didn't know it was still there until the situation that triggered it kept presenting itself in front of me, and then I realized I had a problem. At first, I thought it might be jealousy. Aspects of the situation caused thoughts of inadequacy so that made sense to me. But that wasn't the answer. Then I thought that it was betrayal, and maybe aspects of the situation were, but all of this was bringing light to the big picture. 

Last week, I finally came to terms with the fact that I am lonely. And that's a hard thing to admit because there is a certain amount of shame that comes with that word. It feels as if you're labeling yourself as needy, with low self-esteem, and an outcast. In reality, I am none of those things. Loneliness is not the lack of people surrounding you or of love in your life. Loneliness is a lack of understanding. You feel as though nobody can fully comprehend what you are saying or feeling. At some point, every human will feel that to some intensity if they haven't already. It's not something Christians are immune to; it's a human emotion.

What I've found to be the hardest is telling that to the people I love. It feels like you're telling them that they didn't love you enough to save you from this, and that is definitely not the case. During Sunday morning service, our church's drama team BASIC (which is composed of five of my friends and I) did a drama to "Break Every Chain." At the end of the song, we each rip a piece of paper that has a struggle on it. I had asked for us to write our own chains/problems on the paper so it was more personal, and Sunday, I had to make myself write what had been laid on my heart. I wrote "UNWANTED" and tried to hide it in the other papers nonchalantly. I obviously didn't want my friends to know I felt this way, but God wanted me to be honest with myself and the ones I love, so I couldn't pretend anymore. At the end of the song, I held up the paper with my grandparents in front of me, my aunts and uncles, my church family, my mom. That hurt. But the freedom I felt tearing that paper surpassed it.

In that moment, I knew that when I could finally claim it, victory would be mine. I knew more than ever that God never left, and I certainly was never alone. As I research on this more and more, I find that it's not unusual (thus I'm not lonely in feeling lonely). Even JESUS felt lonely: in the garden as His best friends underestimated His pain and the magnitude of the situation, in His daily life as nobody could ever comprehend what He knew and had seen, and on the cross when He sacrificed everything so we would never have to be alone, but with Him forever.

In conclusion: YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN FEELING LONELY. Nobody wants to admit they're hurt. Nobody wants to feel weak. I now understand that. Jesus himself understands that because He walked in it every single day of His life on Earth. I know with Him, I am not alone, and He is for me. Even in this emotion and this blind struggle, He is somehow guiding me through it all. He is helping me to find closure. To forgive. To let go. To trust in Him more than I previously ever had to. 

I find the PURPOSE of loneliness to be that in those moments, we learn to lean on Him instead of relying on our own strength and ability. When we have finally reached our lowest, we will turn to Him and that is when He can begin to make us whole and new. In our loneliness, we allow Him to speak to us like we usually wouldn't and to show us things that we usually would pass off as nonexistent in our lives. When we are vulnerable and find Him to be our closest friend and only hope, then He can work on us, hold us nearer, and show us just how deep His love for us really is. 

Though I walk through deep waters, I know that you will be with me.

I AM NOT ALONE.

"So We WAIT For You."

Am I the only person that wonders sometimes if their life is just going to be a consistent string of waiting for what's meant to be to happen?

I am a dreamer by nature. The unusual and seemingly impossible has never scared me, but has lead me to have an even deeper faith. I'm that person that quotes "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON" because I honestly believe in the good and bad situations, there is purpose. If I didn't believe that, I would be a lot more scared and confused. Lately though, waiting has stumped me. Even someone who is as faithful as I am finds myself questioning why I'm still holding out for something when I don't even know what it is.

For years, I had a dream that I built my life around to the point where I didn't believe there was another way of life outside of it. It was extremely disappointing when that dream came crashing down on me recently. It felt like starting over completely. I had already waited years for the opportunity, and then now I'm having to wait even longer while I try to find a new path and dream to chase. That's difficult for a nineteen year old. Trying to reconstruct a life plan when they've literally had the same one for almost ten years. You don't even know a future outside of that hope anymore because that's what your vision of the future has become. Part of me is terrified because I don't even know where to start, and part of me is excited for that very same reason.

Now once I have accepted the fact that that portion of my life is over, I am still left with the question: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF WAITING?

Honestly, I don't think there is a completely correct answer if one at all. All my mind can comprehend is that it's not the right time yet. Something grand is coming that our current selves just aren't prepared for. And that gives me hope somehow. There is something so incredible coming at the end of this that I wouldn't be able to handle the magnitude of it at this point in my journey. That's comforting to me. My God has something worth waiting for. Something worth holding out for.

On Sunday night, our church's youth choir (which myself and my three friends formed) premiered a new medley of songs which included "Even So Come." I led this song, and something about the words touched my soul as I sang. I spoke on how the song was about waiting for the return of our Lord, and not just waiting, but waiting with FAITH and HOPE that He will rescue us from our situations and eventually from this earth. Until the day comes that we're meant to be set free, we will wait with faith. Until the day that He returns to take us home, we will wait with faith. In the song, it simply states "We will wait, we will wait for you. God, we wait, you're coming soon." Such a simple statement, but in the midst of our storms, it can be hard to do. 

In conclusion, GOD I WAIT FOR YOU. Though I don't always understand the waiting, I understand there is purpose, and you have one whether I ever know it or not. I will have faith that you are doing what's best for me and setting me up to accomplish your will with my life. Even when I'm scared, confused, lost, and hurt, I will look to you for my answers, and if they haven't came yet, even so I will wait for them because I know they will come. Thank you for all the many dangers you have saved me from experiencing because of the waiting. Thank you for the pain you spared me of that would have came to be if I had been impatient. Thank you for holding out for me because you want me to have the very best even when I don't deserve it. Thank you for being my God and being right beside me in my waiting. Thank you for the waiting, and thank you for the joy I'll have when the wait in finally over.